musings - light

I have learned some things last few days.
God must be really patient with me these few days!
Im so sorry that I let God down and strayed away from Him one moment of time!
I was really worried of my studies, well, my worrying is to the point that I try to escape it, to diverge my thoughts into somewhere else, telling myself there's still time yet.
In the same time, I was spending a lot of time reading the Bible, to study it, to sing worship, to pray, to think about God. Looking at it now, it's like talking to a father and spending time with Him without really wanting to hear what He tells me to do and that i should do.
Its just that fear that i'll never catch up studying all of the things I've left behind in form 4 and half of form 5. Not adding in the expectation from my parents, relatives and teachers too, me myself also wanting to see that I can do it.
Before that crucial point of time, there's just these things in my head, whether conscious or unconscious, stirring and stirring.
First is to serve Him, reading Bible, spending time with Him, thinking about Him, thinking that what's the use of knowing all the knowledge in the world if the Word of God is more useful in later life, and that its just no use, the end of time is very near and i should do something out there instead of sitting here studying about sejarah malaysia. I was really in the point of giving up my studies and imagining myself devoting my life in serving God as a missionary and really wanting to wish it happen. So there goes my mood to study.
But when that crucial point of time came, I started to think, "Hey!I can't be thinking about God and all of that thing all the time!" And at that time, my mind has only two options.
First is to continue doing like this, drawing myself closer and closer to God (i wonder) and second, to put my eyes off Him for a while.
When that second point came into my mind, I was being greatly disturbed about what my parents and my relatives said about me being "paranoid" and taking seriously about my relationship with God eventhough my heart did not admit it, but it sort of registered into my mind( how weak am i eh?). I was also starting to think back about when i was form 3. All the indulgence, as in WHOLE MIND indulgence in studies, thinking about science stuffs, perfectionism in all subjects which had lead me to excellence results. At that time, I still don't know Jesus, well, eventhough I accepted Him but I didn't follow Him after that confession. I had put Him to wait until after pmr at that time. While i was thinking about all of these, I suddenly thought that why should I be so indulged in my relationship with God? Why can't i just follow some other friends, that they are just..normal? I don't have to follow God, I don't have to be close to Him, my parents ain't Christian anyway, so its okay, you should be excused etc. etc. I was also thinking that if I'm not close to Him, I don't have to follow what He says even the ones i don't really want to follow (being rebellious there i see yeethong*shake shake head*), so that i can just have fun outside in the world. That was like , " oh my gosh!" I'm planning to leave Him, going towards the world, wanting to gain the "riches" of the world, wanting to just forget about Him, wanting to just give up. Is this called spiritual laziness? lol! SO yeah, its THHHAAAAT worse k? I was planning for HOLY SPIRIT BREAK!i wonder is there such word again?oh well, just a modification..hehe..okay back to where i was, hmm.yeah!
That option looks sooo much more tempting, and i think i had already wanting to stretch one of my legs there..O.O..but still i was holding back. I thought back and said "I don't wanna leave God, do I?NO WAY!" I was feeling guilty of even thinking of sending my impulse to my brain and the brain has already half way sending the impulse through my efferent neurones to my muscles in my right leg to be contracted!LOl, okay,( iwas studying BIo you see). Really guilty, but i know this feeling, the last time this feeling came and visit me, i think i strayed quite far away from Him. Later on only i know that, if i ask for His forgiveness, He'll forgive me but i HAVE to forgive myself too and leaving what is already the past, to strain for what is forward. Just confess your sin to God, and move forward! Everyone stumbles right? its just the matter of whether after you stumble, u are willing to let God pull you up.
I am glad that I went over that bump, and im praying that I will be able to overcome all the others bump that i will face next time. Now God even give me the will to study, and to understand the things that i read, that will to study is definitely there, but, but ,,what adds into this bonus is that I'm doing it, going through this studying thingy with God. =)
Bytheway, God is smart!!wonderful things he created in our bodies, just for us, and also the marvellous creations out there.phew!
they are just absolutely creative!
Ohyeah, currently im taking a course on learning the Bible more. Its under World Bible School.
Hope that I can really learn more about the things in the Bible and that the hunger for God's word is always there! Its marvellous to think that the whole Bible is a whole lot of letter from God to us. We're the reader of the letter from Big Daddy! Wheee!

kthen, gotta go back to marvel on those kidneys God designed

toodles